Down With Roz

One for Roz

2007-06-10T01:47:00.000-04:00

As all of you know, this is a games and useless puzzles blog. The best, in fact, in the world. Because we bring you footage like this:

Just to note, I can totally do this. I am at least as smart as that 3-year-old, and a hell of a lot better looking. This one's for Roz.

Snubbed by his own biggest fan

2006-07-07T18:58:00.000-04:00

Despite language earlier in the week in which Ozzie Guillen said he was choosing Joe Crede as the next backup "if someone gets hurt, I don't care -- pitcher, catcher, outfielder" spoofed beautifully by the fellas at firejoemorgan.com, Guillen picked Magglio Ordonez (only a former White Sox player) to take Manny Ramirez's roster spot instead.

My favorite language from Guillen's comments earlier in the week:

Crede is going. That's the way it's going to be. If anything happens to those 32 guys on the field and they can't make it, Crede is going and I don't care who gets mad.

Wait, unless it's Crede who gets mad, because he's not going, like you said he was. I guess A.J. as the seventh Whitey was enough...

And Roy Oswalt is going. (Sigh.)

They came in the room, and Ken just lay there

2006-07-05T18:01:00.000-04:00

The man who had a baseball stadium named after his company (and a YMCA named after himself) was found dead in Assssspen, a place where the beer flows like wine, where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano, not of an apparent suicide as reported briefly by Drudge.

But boys and girls, if you want a piece of history to remember him by, check out this Enron Code of Ethics complete with a memo from Ken Lay. You can buy it on eBay... it's currently going for 20 bones.

Happy hunting!

'The Greatest Play in Baseball'

2006-07-04T18:03:00.000-04:00

As a treat for the fourth of July, let's travel in time to 1976, our nation's bicentennial, a time when freedom and patriotism meant loving your country's administration unconditionally. Like now, only without Toby Keith.

The scene: Dodger Stadium, one year before Tommy Lasorda took over as manager. A couple of freedom hating assholes who were upset with (who knows) decided to voice their displeasure by burning a flag on the field. They laid it on the pitch, the stitches took a slitch, and here comes Rick Monday as a flag burner's bitch. Captain America scoops up the flag, soaked in lighter fluid, and just about everyone since who remembers the "play" thinks Rick Monday is the most patriotic baseballer ever to live.

I'm from the school of thought that says you're not much of a patriot if you don't allow anyone to protest shithead decisions your government makes, but hey, not many popular kids go to that school right now. If these assholes (they did trespass onto the field) didn't love their country, I have no idea why they'd protest it.

Anyway, my real favorite part of this video is how much Monday seems to like himself. For a patriot, he's an arrogant fuck. Happy 4th of July, America!

An only slightly racist remark from Mary Carillo

2006-07-04T12:22:00.000-04:00

Filing under: Not a Huge Deal, But Worth Noting

Wimbledon's in the quarters, which I guess means it's time for broad generalizations of players' races. This year's installment comes from Mary Carillo, who is commentating today's match between Li Na of China and Kim Clijsters of Belgium. Here's Carillo, on the success of Li and other Asian racketeers (hint: it has something to do with their little Asian statures.)

They’ve got short takebacks. They’ve got short, compact strokes. They’re low to the ground, which works great on grass. When they have to play on clay, they have short strokes and they're hitting shots around their teeth, they can’t generate any power. But they’re quick and they're strong, they hug the baseline. They're very well-taught for fast surfaces. It rewards everything they do well, especially those compact strokes and those quick feet. … They’re fit, they're fast, they're motivated. Great fighters.

Ah yes, those little Asians with those quick little feet. They're so cute! By the way, Mary, Li Na is 5'8". Just like Clijsters and a full two inches taller than Justine Henin-Hardenne, who won the French Open this year, presumably not hitting most of her shots "around her teeth." Unless Henin-Hardenne has shorter teeth than Li, I'm not buying the "Asians are compact and low to the ground" argument any longer.

It should be noted that the last portion of the quote (after the elipsis) was Mary paraphrasing what other people say about "the Chinese revolution in tennis," but she really made it her own, especially that link to Genghis Khan at the end.

My only wish is that she would have expounded on how well-taught those smart little Asians are. And maybe a few thoughts on why Kobayashi keeps beating us at hot-dog eating... I would think their cute little mouths would be a deterrent...

That's right -- the (second) best player in the Midwest

2006-06-30T22:28:00.000-04:00

I've been screaming all year that Narron needed to put Adam Dunn higher in the lineup. He's fourth on the team in OBP coming into tonight (.372, although mired in a semi-slump) second in slugging and OPS (.551, .924, behind only the non-qualifier but deadly David Ross) and he's simply the best player the Reds have. I shouted to the rooftops last night when, after starting him second in the line-up, Narron saw Dunn win the game for the Reds on a double in the bottom of the eighth -- Cincinnati's last at-bat.

Tonight, I'm right again.

The Reds hurlers did everything they could to throw the game away, but Bob Wickman made a host of mistakes in the bottom of ninth, setting up the second hitter -- Dunn -- with the bases loaded, down by three, two outs.

Cue dramatic music. Slow to half speed. Forget it, he hit the shit out of it. It was a line-drive single that went over the wall for a walk-off grand slam. Which made me think one thing -- this is why Dunn should bat second, not sixth.

The Reds are currently tied for first. If you think Adam Dunn strikes out too much, SHUT THE HELL UP.

Britney Spears Naked!!!

2006-06-30T20:56:00.000-04:00

Ok, so it's not how I expected it to go down. Hell, it's not even full-frontal. But damnit, Britney has finally posed naked for a magazine. And here it is, thanks to the Courier-Journal:

Ich. Fat.

News from the Milky Way galaxy

2006-06-30T20:04:00.000-04:00

Since the postmen and deadspin won't do it, I'd like to make a tribute to Star Jones.

Star, the beloved fat-host-turned-alien, famous for losing 1,200 pounds in an attempt to steal Stedman Graham from beneath Oprah's graspy claws, was canned by ABC because she just looked too freakin weird.

In honor of her star burning out, as it were, let's watch her get hit in the face with a football... alright!

Wonderful. -rick

Freed Catajolanottonson

2006-06-10T17:15:00.000-04:00

Hey folk...
I know no one comes here, because there's no reason why anyone other than me would know about this blog. So this is directed to the little voices in my head.
If you've been wondering (as many of you little voices have) who is the Blue Jays' real left fielder, Reed Johnson or Frank Catalanotto, I have a definite answer for you:
It doesn't matter! They're the same person!
I was perusing the Blue Jays' stats today and I noticed the quirk. Here's how they stack up, coming into today:

Johnson -- G: 45; AB:132; H:49; HR:3; OBP:.454; SLG: .492; OPS: .946
Catalanotto -- G: 46; AB:139; H:45; HR:4; OBP:.435; SLG: .511; OPS: .946

Mkay, so not exactly the same person, but their stats are very similar. So far this season, Frank has the slightest more pop and Reed has worked the strike zone a teentsy bit better. They also have stud batting averages, with Frank hitting .324 and Reed bringing a .371 average from out of nowhere. At any rate, they're still the third-best hitter the Jays have, next to Wells and Rios. (Yes, Catajolanottonson, having a career year, is playing better than Glaus, Overbay and Hillenbrand this season.) Still, Freed should be an interesting storyline come October when the Jays are battling the Reds in the Fall Classic.

Jon Lieber is not that good

2006-05-13T23:23:00.000-04:00

The same Jon Lieber who came in today at 2-4 with a 6.60 ERA stormed into Cincy and nearly threw a perfect game. Maybe Hamels' performance yesterday wasn't so great after all.
The Reds came up one after another and did one of 3 things: struck out, grounded out or popped out. It wasn't until Adam Dunn, of all people, slapped one up the middle in the 7th that the Reds but a dent in 7.6-million's line.
Note that Dave Williams also threw a gem for the Reds, but Quinton McCracken's gaffe (read: dropped fly ball my 3-legged dog could have caught) in the other end of the 7th put an end to that.
Grifffey started some 9th-inning noise, but Dunn did what he does best with two outs in the ninth -- he struck out.
And that sorta put an end to that.

Irony in Philly

2006-05-12T21:00:00.001-04:00

So I'm sitting here at work watching the Reds game, and I stumble upon this sweet, but bitter for Phils fans, irony.
The Phillies starting pitcher is Cole Hamels, who was just called up two days ago to Philadelphia to replace sausage server Ryan Madson. Madson, strangely, is 3-1 this year as the Phils' fifth starter, but his ERA is in the high 6s and he gives up loads of hits and walks. Hamels was selected as a stopgap to fill the Phils' leaky rotation more tightly than Madson.
And Hamels just outdoes himself. He's pitchig a gem in this game (1 hit), albeit a blemished gem (5 walks) but regardless, he's a win candidate with a 2-0 lead.
The Phils bring in Madson to relieve Hamels and, in true bus boy fashion, he gives up a 900-foot home run to Austin Kearns, strikes out Adam Dunn (Ryan Seacrest can do that) and gives up another solo shot to Edwin Encarnacion. Remember, Madson is a righty, and Kearns and Encarnacion bat right handed. So in about 3 minutes, Hamels goes from a 2-0 lead with a bag of ice on his arm to a no-decision waiting to happen with disdain for his predecessor.
Weird? Yes, but what's strangest is this: Madson is going to get the win.

100 degrees Kelvin

2006-03-28T13:14:00.000-05:00

Katz is reporting the Sooner coach Kelvin Sampson is leaving the Big 12 to take IU's head coaching position. Stay tuned...

Fat Attack

2006-03-27T16:25:00.000-05:00

Final Four time is a lot like the Super Bowl, in that sports writers have way too much time on their hands to make up ridiculous and vaguely pertinent feature stories.

How did Lamar Butler's junior high English teacher make a difference in George Mason's 2006 Tourney run? Why does John Wooden still hate the three-pointer? Could the most experienced mountain climber ever conquer Billy Donovan's widow's peak?

This year, as can be expected, a lot of attention has been focused on LSU's sophomore fatnom Glen "Big Baby" Davis, and his similarities to another former LSU center.

But Davis' T-shirt said it best Wednesday: I am not Shaq.

Correct - the Big Aristotle he is not. At 6'9", big fella is a full 4 inches shorter than Shaq. At his listed weight of three and a nickel (read three and three quarters) Davis is much flabbier than Shaq-fu. Plus, dude runs a 9.8 40.

Man of Steel, meet the Man of Meal.

The two 5s stats don't equate, either. Shaquille's sophomore year: 27 and 15. Big Baby: 19 and 10.

The Diesel? Try regular unleaded.

It's not like his other-other-other nickname spells out creativity, either. Former "Baby Shaqs" include Hugh Jones, of street hoop fame, Andrew Bynum, Eddy Curry, Robert Traylor and several female athletes I have located online.

Back in 2002, ESPN the magazine did a feature on the future Shaqs of the game. Included in that list: Derrick Caracter, Kendrick Perkins and SOPHOCLES SCHORTSIANITIS (caps added for emphasis).

You get it. He's not Shaq. He doesn't claim to be Shaq. He even shoots free throws at a nearly 70-percent clip and has been known to, on rare occasion, knock down a necessary three.

Even he has done everything he can to dispel the myth. I guess he can't help it the LCL went to his school.