Fat Attack

Final Four time is a lot like the Super Bowl, in that sports writers have way too much time on their hands to make up ridiculous and vaguely pertinent feature stories.

How did Lamar Butler's junior high English teacher make a difference in George Mason's 2006 Tourney run? Why does John Wooden still hate the three-pointer? Could the most experienced mountain climber ever conquer Billy Donovan's widow's peak?

This year, as can be expected, a lot of attention has been focused on LSU's sophomore fatnom Glen "Big Baby" Davis, and his similarities to another former LSU center.

But Davis' T-shirt said it best Wednesday: I am not Shaq.

Correct - the Big Aristotle he is not. At 6'9", big fella is a full 4 inches shorter than Shaq. At his listed weight of three and a nickel (read three and three quarters) Davis is much flabbier than Shaq-fu. Plus, dude runs a 9.8 40.

Man of Steel, meet the Man of Meal.

The two 5s stats don't equate, either. Shaquille's sophomore year: 27 and 15. Big Baby: 19 and 10.

The Diesel? Try regular unleaded.

It's not like his other-other-other nickname spells out creativity, either. Former "Baby Shaqs" include Hugh Jones, of street hoop fame, Andrew Bynum, Eddy Curry, Robert Traylor and several female athletes I have located online.

Back in 2002, ESPN the magazine did a feature on the future Shaqs of the game. Included in that list: Derrick Caracter, Kendrick Perkins and SOPHOCLES SCHORTSIANITIS (caps added for emphasis).

You get it. He's not Shaq. He doesn't claim to be Shaq. He even shoots free throws at a nearly 70-percent clip and has been known to, on rare occasion, knock down a necessary three.

Even he has done everything he can to dispel the myth. I guess he can't help it the LCL went to his school.